I’m Not Ready For Sex, But My Boyfriend Is

SCPRC |

My boyfriend wants to, but I’m not ready for sex. We’ve been dating a while, and I think I love him, but I don’t think I’m ready to take this next step and he wants to. What should I do?

This is a question we often hear from young women who are trying to figure out where their relationship is and where it’s heading. It’s not just about sex; it’s bigger than that. As we help them work through the questions and emotions involved, it helps them discover the answer for themselves.

Here are a few of the things you should consider if you’re not ready for sex.

Where is the relationship?

Often we hear the question framed as “we’ve been dating for over a year…”. However, the length of time you’ve been in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s serious. Neither does sex. Sometimes couples make the mistake of thinking physical intimacy will make the relationship stronger. In the right context, yes, physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship. But if you have sex too early it can make the relationship worse and prevent emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy comes from clear communication and setting and respecting each other’s boundaries. It doesn’t come from trying to get the other person to compromise to get what you want. That goes for sex as well as anything else.

Is fear your motivation?

Occasionally we’ll have a young woman tell us that she is afraid the relationship won’t last if she doesn’t have sex. She thinks her boyfriend won’t like her, will leave, or will cheat on her if she doesn’t give in. This goes back to the question about where the relationship is. Does he respect you and the boundaries you’ve set? Which is more important, staying true to who you are and your values or trying to make him happy? If he loves you, he won’t push you to do something you aren’t ready for. If fear is a factor in your relationship decisions, perhaps it’s time to consider if this relationship is a good one to be in.

Is your communication clear?

Sometimes you just have to straight up say what you are thinking. This is best done in a private setting and not in the heat of the moment. Let him know where your boundaries are and the consequences of attempting to cross them. Then, watch his reaction. He may say the right things, but do his actions match up? Does he back off and give you space in this area or does he keep pushing the edges of those boundaries?

If you love me…

If he tries to use the old line “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me” it’s time to rethink things. Trying to manipulate you into having sex isn’t cool and it’s a clear sign he cares way more about himself than you. You deserve better. If you have to respond, let him know if he loved you he would respect your feelings and boundaries.

Is it over?

If he just won’t take no for an answer, it may be over. You may decide to end it once you realize he doesn’t respect you enough to stop pushing. Or, he may end it once he realizes he isn’t going to get what he wants. Either way, it will hurt. But if it ends at least you’ll know what was more important to him. And over time it won’t hurt as bad. Eventually, you’ll realize that ending it was a lot less painful than being in a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t respect and honor you.

In the end, the decision of whether to have sex or not should be yours. It isn’t something that should be forced on you or you should be manipulated into doing.

We’re here to help.

If you’re struggling with this decision, we would love to talk with you and help you process all the information so you can make a decision that is what you want, not what someone else wants. If you want to talk, contact our office for a free and confidential appointment with one of our staff or volunteers.